Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Sleepless in Kanata

Why is getting what you want so scary?

I am completely losing my mind. I can't sleep, my appetite is shot, and all I can do is fret, fret, fret. And why? Because we bought a house. We're moving back to Toronto. We sold our house in Ottawa. This is what I have wanted for so long and now that it is staring me in the face, I'm freaking out.


I hate my brain sometimes.

I keep telling myself it will be fine. It will all work out. We will be happy. But my head is on an endless loop of worry. You see, we kind of bought quickly. And we bought a fixer-upper. And it will take time and money to get it in decent shape. And it's smaller (natch) that our house in Ottawa. And, and, and. But the neighbourhood is great. And the house has potential. Charlie's school (with French Immersion) is just around the corner. We have parking (two spaces!), which is a big deal in Toronto. The bathroom is big. There are hardwood floors under the carpets. The house is solidly built. So why can't I focus on the good stuff?

Because I'm afraid. When we moved to Ottawa, I was so desperately unhappy. Post-partum depression hit hard and moving to a new city without friends and family for support just about did me in. But we've carved out happiness in this city. We've made friends, found a babysitter, created a good life for ourselves. But it still doesn't feel complete, so that's why we're moving back. We want to be closer to family and friends. And if we're going to have another baby, I don't just want, I require more support than what we have here. So we made the decision to go back.

So here's the big worry: What if we move back, and I'm still unhappy? What if we hate the house? What if it wasn't the move to Ottawa after all? What if our lives, though incomplete, would be better if we just stayed here? These are the thoughts that wake me up at 2:00 a.m.


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