Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Tunes for toddlers

HS was watching CBC last night, and Moxy Fruvous was playing. They were singing "King of Spain," and Charlie was totally rocking out. I highly recommend this catchy little ditty for your toddler. Check it out on iTunes, natch.

Fun bit o' trivia: Jian Ghomeshi used to live just up the street from us in Toronto.

Dear Caitlin Flanagan,

I haven't read your book yet (I'm #35 on the list at the library), but I hear it's generating a boatload of controversy. Mommy wars debate aside, I wanted to say thanks for the burrito recipe. It was delicious! I look forward to the halibut and couscous.

Best regards,


I must watch Parenthood again

At least he wasn't banging his head against the wall.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

And I need a pedicure

When I'm stressed out about something, I get very clumsy. It seems that when my mind is filled with worry, I lose track of such things as the length and span of my limbs. When Charlie was a baby, I was always covered in bruises, and I even walked right into a screen door. So really, it should have come as no surprise that yesterday I broke my toe. There I was, happily strolling out of Gymboree music class, when I whacked my left foot against those rather sturdy wooden play structures. And I must say that I am rather proud that I managed to choke back all of the expletives that normally would come flying out of my mouth. Yes, I broke a toe and nary a "SWEET MOTHER OF F*CK!" was heard. Quite an accomplishment! I really should add that to my resume. Alas, there is nothing you can do for a broken toe except rest it, consume Advil, and wait. Unless of course it's out of joint, then I'll have to go back to the doctor to have him reset it. You can bet there will be swearing if I have to go through that.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Trying to keep my mind on other things

Despite all the googling and obsessing, it was still quite a nice weekend. Last night was positively lovely. HS, Charlie and I went for leisurely bike ride after dinner, and we had popsicles. I finally dug out the popsicle maker, whipped up a batch of watermelon limeade (sans vodka, of course), and froze it. So delicious! So summer-y!

Friday, June 23, 2006

Hey psychic, I could have used a heads-up on this one

I think I'm totally cured of baby fear. No, really. Because I have a whole new fear to replace it! Hurrah! After ignoring a symptom for a couple of days, I decided I'd better get my butt to the doctor to check it out, especially since I forced HS to get his mysterious ailment checked out the same day it appeared about a month ago. (A symptom, when Googled, could have amounted to anything from cancer to no big deal. Luckily we landed on the no big deal side of things.) Now the doctor did give me a somewhat reassuring "it is most likely benign." But there's also a possibility it could be very, very bad! So let's just have medical procedures X & Y to clear things up, shall we? Ok! No problem! I will call the list of labs straightaway to make an appointment. Ten phone calls to ten different clinics in the Ottawa area later, I found out that while I can get an appointment for procedure X next week, procedure Y is all booked up until August. August people! That is just. too. long. to. wait. And did I mention I'm trying to wean off my meds? So I started sobbing into the phone to some poor receptionist. (I wonder if they get that a lot.) Luckily she suggested I call the Smiths Falls clinic. It's an hour away, but who cares? I did, and now I have an appointment for July 4th. Still far too long in my opinion, but better than fucking August.

So screw it. If this turns out to be benign, then WTF. Let's have another baby. Because I want one, despite the fear. Let's move back to Toronto. We could be happier there and closer to friends and family. And why not just take on that somewhat scary, but could be wonderful, freelance project? My life has been on hold for long enough.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The fear -- reason #1

Three months after Charlie was born, I invited my work friends to come over to meet the baby, indulge in some work gossip, and consume some breastfeeding-friendly beverages. Of course Charlie was super fussy. Of course he only wanted me to hold him. And he was spitting up everywhere. So there I was, trying to show off my grumpy baby, and all he would do was wail and nurse, wail and nurse. One of my friends, who has two kids, finally got her hands on Charlie, looked at me and said "Don't you just love being a mom?"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I wanted to wail. I don't love it! I'm tired and anxious ALL THE TIME! I feel like a complete failure! I haven't been out of the house in a week! Don't you remember what it's like?

But I didn't say all that of course. I tried to replace the look of shock and confusion with one of maternal bliss. And I choked out brightly, "Yes! It's wonderful!"

After three months of motherhood, I hadn't had more than three hours of sleep in one stretch. I worried about everything. Breastfeeding was a source of pain and stress. And I had to deal with the fact that, no matter how much I tried to ignore it, we were moving to Ottawa soon, far away from friends and family. It was the dead of winter, and I was cooped up in the house all by myself. Not a great recipe for mental health.

I can't imagine feeling that way while trying to look after Charlie.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Pray for sunshine

We're off to a friend's cottage this weekend, and the amount of stuff we have to pack is mind-boggling. When I say "we" I mean "me" of course. Such are the responsibilities of a SAHM. Thrilling I know.

But I'm tempted to feck off on the packing to go strawberry picking. The Dekok family berry farm is open today! Hurrah! And strangely enough, berry picking actually entertained Charlie last year, so I'm hoping for a repeat performance this afternoon. I'm ever so hopeful that this year he might just eat a strawberry since just last night, for the first time in his young life, Charlie ate a raw carrot, some red pepper and a few cucumber slices. I was hooting like Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch, I was that happy to see Charlie consume raw veggies. Could potty training be next?

Monday, June 12, 2006

Hello diet Coke my old friend

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. My hellish freelance project is done and invoiced. We don't have any guests, so the house does not have to be clean to my MIL's standards. And Charlie is napping. This is the first time since February when I have not had to work during nap time. I even bought some plants for my flowerbeds (wiltonii, little princess spirea, daylilies, and a clematis), and it looks like I might just have time to plant them. I'm even going to the gym tonight! Whee!

So what to do with all my free time? Why obsess about having another baby of course! Now while the psychic seems to have my life all figured out, and we've already pulled Hasek, Emery remains firmly in place (if you're talking in Sens terms). In fact, I have a list of to-do's to accomplish before we even think about pulling the backup goalie. They are, in no particular order:

1. Wean off the St. John's Wort.

I'm down to one pill a day instead of three, and so far, so good. And since the freelance work is done for now, I might just stop some time this week. But I'm scared. I love that little pill even if it does taste like hay. I love it because I still feel like me, but without the really bad days, the days when I feel like I am being pulled into a well of despair by a firmly knotted rope around my chest. But the weather is better (and believe me, that helps), Charlie is just lovely (we had a rough April, but he seems to be back to his usual sweet self with a few doses of craziness thrown in to spice things up), and HS has a good chunk of holidays coming up, all things that will help keep the bad days at bay.

2. Wean off the caffeine.

I don't know which is harder to give up, the antidepressant or the caffeine. There was NO WAY I could give them both up while I was working, and I even had to up my caffeine intake just to get through the day without collapsing the moment HS walked through the door. I used to be at a reasonable one large cup of coffee a day. Then it became one XL cup of coffee a day. And somehow it creeped up to one XL, one diet Coke, . . . then two diet Cokes and then, well, you can see I have some work to do. So today I've had one L coffee. But damn, I am so jonesing for my DC.

3. Overcome/deal with/address the pit of fear in my stomach that rears its ugly head whenever I think about having another baby.

Ah that. That's the real issue. Because if I did get pregnant, I could give up the SJW and the coffee, probably cold turkey. It wouldn't be fun, and I'd need some support, but I know I could do it if I had to. But the fear? I'm having a hard time getting past it. A really hard time.

A random question

Is there anything funnier than a 2.5-year old singing along to Johnny Cash? "Ring of Fire" never sounded so sweet.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

I'm glad that's settled

Well, it appears that the debate is over. HS's company had a psychic come in today for some fun corporate bonding and whatever, and according to the psychic, Charlie is a first. Yep, looks like I'm having a baby, a girl, very soon. Yikes! I didn't even know I had made up my mind yet.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Procrastination and watermelon

I'm in the home stretch of my project, and the finish line is so tantalizingly close. My forearms are tingly, my eyes are permanently bloodshot, and I have a buzzing sensation in the back of my neck. Ugh. Must book a massage for Saturday stat! (And maybe a little physio to boot.) 'cause Friday is the deadline people. So no matter what, I gotta be done by then. So of course I procrastinate! Whee! Why?!

Ok, ok, I really must go, but before I do, I must make a recommendation. You really have to give this a whirl. Who would have thought? Feta and watermelon! It looks impressive, tastes delish, and it is dead easy. Oh yes, your guests will be wary, but once they try it, the whole bowl will disappear.