And they used to eat gravel!

I never thought that Facebook would become so popular with the over-thirty crowd. I can see why it's hip with the kids (kids I used to babysit, kids that I have hauled out of their cribs pits-to-toes covered in poop, are on this site), but dammit, there are lots of people I know out there. And yes, I joined too. And yes, I do find it satisfying to track down high school acquaintances and glimpse into their friends list. But I'm not going to invite my address book to join just so I can have more than seven friends.

Not yet anyway.

Simon Says

Things have been a little pear shaped around Chez FOO these days, so let's focus on something positive, shall we? Since the weather is cooperating (at least here in Ottawa it is), here's a good game to play with your toddler at the park. It's a variation of Simon Says, since two-year-olds miss the subtle nuances of the original. Here's what to do:

1. Give you toddler lots of Simon Says commands that they will understand, i.e. Simon Says touch your nose, Simon Says jump, Simon Says spin around, Simon Says touch your toes, Simon Says pat your tummy, etc.

2. End game with Simon Says get [your child's name here]!

3. Encourage toddler to run away. Chase toddler. Catch toddler and swing around in a circle until you are dizzy.

4. Repeat.

Doors closing, windows opening etc.

People, it's spring! In fact, it's verging on summer. Life seems a little bit more manageable when the sun is shining.

I've had a bit of luck lately (and a lot of therapy), and I'm feeling better about what lies ahead. There's still anxiety in the form of a talon embedded in my chest, but I acknowledge it, breathe through it, and tap my chest until I feel better.

And thank you HS. You don't read this blog, but I hope you know that you make my life better in every possible way.

But I really, really thought I was

I'm not pregnant.

I'm relieved.

I'm sad that I'm relieved.

I can't handle what's going on right now. I need my Saint John's Wort, but we shouldn't get pregnant while I'm on it. So we're putting off baby making for a while. Again.

I'm getting older and so is Charlie.

I still want another baby.

If a move can throw me into such a horrid downward spiral, what would another baby do?

Winter has to end soon, right?

Two posts in two days!

HS is out of town, Charlie is napping, and I'm currently in-between freelance projects. So here I am! Still fretting, still trying to calm the f*ck down about this move, still not sleeping terribly well. I'm a real treat!

Oh and here's a fun new worry to add to my growing list: I think I'm pregnant. Considering all the flotsam and jetsam in my brain these days, I have no idea how I will handle it if there are two lines on the First Response stick tomorrow morning. Lordy. Then again, I thought I was knocked up on several occasions this past year, so really, my intuition is for shite. If I am in a family way, my due date is Christmas Day. And I swore I would never have another winter baby (Charlie is a December baby too). But maybe I only ovulate in April?

Deep breaths. Must remember to take lots of deep breaths.

Sleepless in Kanata

Why is getting what you want so scary?

I am completely losing my mind. I can't sleep, my appetite is shot, and all I can do is fret, fret, fret. And why? Because we bought a house. We're moving back to Toronto. We sold our house in Ottawa. This is what I have wanted for so long and now that it is staring me in the face, I'm freaking out.

Sigh.

I hate my brain sometimes.

I keep telling myself it will be fine. It will all work out. We will be happy. But my head is on an endless loop of worry. You see, we kind of bought quickly. And we bought a fixer-upper. And it will take time and money to get it in decent shape. And it's smaller (natch) that our house in Ottawa. And, and, and. But the neighbourhood is great. And the house has potential. Charlie's school (with French Immersion) is just around the corner. We have parking (two spaces!), which is a big deal in Toronto. The bathroom is big. There are hardwood floors under the carpets. The house is solidly built. So why can't I focus on the good stuff?

Because I'm afraid. When we moved to Ottawa, I was so desperately unhappy. Post-partum depression hit hard and moving to a new city without friends and family for support just about did me in. But we've carved out happiness in this city. We've made friends, found a babysitter, created a good life for ourselves. But it still doesn't feel complete, so that's why we're moving back. We want to be closer to family and friends. And if we're going to have another baby, I don't just want, I require more support than what we have here. So we made the decision to go back.

So here's the big worry: What if we move back, and I'm still unhappy? What if we hate the house? What if it wasn't the move to Ottawa after all? What if our lives, though incomplete, would be better if we just stayed here? These are the thoughts that wake me up at 2:00 a.m.

Help!