Monday, June 12, 2006

Hello diet Coke my old friend

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. My hellish freelance project is done and invoiced. We don't have any guests, so the house does not have to be clean to my MIL's standards. And Charlie is napping. This is the first time since February when I have not had to work during nap time. I even bought some plants for my flowerbeds (wiltonii, little princess spirea, daylilies, and a clematis), and it looks like I might just have time to plant them. I'm even going to the gym tonight! Whee!

So what to do with all my free time? Why obsess about having another baby of course! Now while the psychic seems to have my life all figured out, and we've already pulled Hasek, Emery remains firmly in place (if you're talking in Sens terms). In fact, I have a list of to-do's to accomplish before we even think about pulling the backup goalie. They are, in no particular order:

1. Wean off the St. John's Wort.

I'm down to one pill a day instead of three, and so far, so good. And since the freelance work is done for now, I might just stop some time this week. But I'm scared. I love that little pill even if it does taste like hay. I love it because I still feel like me, but without the really bad days, the days when I feel like I am being pulled into a well of despair by a firmly knotted rope around my chest. But the weather is better (and believe me, that helps), Charlie is just lovely (we had a rough April, but he seems to be back to his usual sweet self with a few doses of craziness thrown in to spice things up), and HS has a good chunk of holidays coming up, all things that will help keep the bad days at bay.

2. Wean off the caffeine.

I don't know which is harder to give up, the antidepressant or the caffeine. There was NO WAY I could give them both up while I was working, and I even had to up my caffeine intake just to get through the day without collapsing the moment HS walked through the door. I used to be at a reasonable one large cup of coffee a day. Then it became one XL cup of coffee a day. And somehow it creeped up to one XL, one diet Coke, . . . then two diet Cokes and then, well, you can see I have some work to do. So today I've had one L coffee. But damn, I am so jonesing for my DC.

3. Overcome/deal with/address the pit of fear in my stomach that rears its ugly head whenever I think about having another baby.

Ah that. That's the real issue. Because if I did get pregnant, I could give up the SJW and the coffee, probably cold turkey. It wouldn't be fun, and I'd need some support, but I know I could do it if I had to. But the fear? I'm having a hard time getting past it. A really hard time.

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